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While I had a few good professors in college, I can’t directly quote any of them. The only speech I actually remember was when a guest speaker, journalist, Pulitzer Prize winner, feminist, and humanist Connie Schultz, came to address my little liberal arts college in Painseville, Ohio.
Shultz quoted Maggie Kuhn (founder of Gray Panthers), who said, “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.”
That line still rings with resonance in my soul. Does it do the same for yours? If so, keep reading.
There’s a lot going on in the world. It can feel overwhelming. It is important to stand firm.
With that, it’s easier for change to feel more tangible when it is something we can affect a little more directly, like when we look at the communities we belong to, such as our little trail running community. While running is a respite for most of us, if we’re being honest, there’s still sexism, racism, and homophobia going on in our sport, within our community. Sometimes it’s purposeful, and a lot of times, I think it’s subconscious programming. Many of the men I know in the sport don’t realize when they’re being sexist. And some are, without admitting it or even knowing it, are fearful of what would happen if women were given equal positioning in our sport due to the subliminal messaging they received in childhood. I mean, wouldn’t you think all races would want to be Trail Sisters Approved?
Should we settle and say, “good enough”? Should we play it small and say, “It really doesn’t matter?”. Look, if you’re busy and you’re tired, I get it!
My inspiration is this: Young girls (and kids, in general) are watching. Your inner child is watching. She/they want to know if they matter. Your actions and your energy are what will tell her/them.
What if I could teach you not just how to speak, but how to speak without your voice shaking? Or, at the very least, recognize that the fear is coming from a younger part of you while still allowing your natural strength and grace to flow?
My goal here is simply to be a light, so you too can shine yours, knowing that other women and non-binary friends have your back. We’ve got you. Your voice matters. Because sisters, it’s our time.
I always tell my counseling clients that if they work with their triggers “your triggers will set you free.” If we know our own vulnerabilities, wounds, and do the work to heal them, no one else can attack us for them. So a comment that used to spark a big reaction, or a shutdown, now becomes “That was a silly thing to say”, and you move on.
This is what happened to me when someone (I believe a man) started attacking me on YouTube for commenting on the Unbreakable II* trailer, stating that this was the second time they were only covering the men’s race and asking those behind the film to do better. Reading the comment, I noticed myself get a little shaky and recognized some heaviness in my gut. Any big emotion or body sensation is almost always a reaction to a deeper wound being triggered, so I thought to myself “Well this is an interesting response. He’s not here (there’s no bear in the room with me), and even if he was, there’s a good chance he probably wouldn’t say all this to my face. Regardless, he is allowed to say what he wants. I know logically I’m safe. So why am I starting to go into a survival response?” I took a few deep breaths. As a therapist, I knew this was a cue for me to get curious and check in. Feeling into the sensations and emotions (fear and anger) in my body more, I was brought back to memories from my childhood in the 90s. While things were changing, I subliminally (and sometimes very in your face) received messages that women were less important than men and shouldn’t be in positions of power. Much of this was societal messaging, only seeing men as presidents (I don’t care who you voted for, but only seeing a man as president definitely affects the subconscious of a little girl and her understanding about her place in the world), watching as the boys teams always got better practice times and often better equipment, and growing up in a religion where only men were in the top positions and spoken about as leaders. Any woman mentioned was always sweet, humble, and a servant (follower). (If you met me in person, you would say that I am very sweet and kind. But I am also powerful.) While there were women making moves, no one ever directly stood up for me and encouraged my shine. While I don’t think this was ever directly said to me, the message I received was, “Speaking up can be dangerous. You can get yelled at, criticized, and removed from the group. So sit down and shut up. You don’t matter. Just be happy with what you have.”
I healed by going back into my memory, feeling my emotions with the presence of my adult/higher Self, and letting Little Ray (my inner child) know that she was safe, I was there to protect her (not in a defensive way, but in a “I’m not ever going to allow anyone to dim your shine kind of way), and that her voice was important. She mattered.
And suddenly, the man’s comment just became ridiculous and a projection. I knew I wasn’t sexist (what he called me in reference to my comment about Unbreakable II), and that the people I cared about and who care about me knew I wasn’t sexist either, and that’s all that mattered. (I have a very, very small bubble of people I’ll take opinions and feedback from. As much as I love my parents, they are not in that bubble.)
If you’re scared to speak, or maybe you have spoken up but then got attacked for it, here’s the shorthand of the process I used above:
Ultimately, what you just did here is allow the powerful, true you to come forth and lead the way. This, sisters, is how you become unshakable.
The powerful thing about the Trail Sisters community, or just being connected to any other feminist (regardless of gender) running group is knowing that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You can speak up and know someone will always have your back. You will always be respected and cared for if you choose to use your voice.
And that’s even if another sister may disagree. You can disagree and still have each other’s back! If this happens, I might say something like. “Wow. I’m so proud of you for using your voice. I know that’s a brave thing for you to do and I really respect your opinion. I see things a little differently. Would you want to have a conversation about it?” That way, we’re still empowering the other person to keep using her/their voice.
Recommended: If you haven’t watched the WNBA documentary “Power of the Dream” yet, I highly recommend it. The film was set in 2020, so yes, Covid, the murders of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and black men and women, and a lot of political turmoil. They didn’t always agree, but they always came together to make a final decision. Together, they made a lot of noise, which heavily influenced the political landscape at the time.
Those of us who are non-elite runners often believe that our voice doesn’t really matter. “No one really cares what I say”, is a common statement.
First off, as mentioned above, when we come together, we can move mountains.
Second, our “non-elite” voices absolutely do matter. My sister, elite runner, Higher Running Co-Founder and coach Sandi Nyaver, schooled me on this (and another local Salida pro later reiterated the message) when I said no one was going to care if I said something. Yet what I learned is that when an elite athlete speaks up, they are putting their contracts on the line, risking being “cancelled” by podcast hosts, getting blocked from big races, losing jobs in the industry, and having their businesses negatively affected (ei. many are coaches). They need us to say something. And while we all have individual power, there is even greater power than numbers. Power: Your light, your unique essence, and your ability to influence others from that place of authentic truth.
Controlling is not power. It’s fear.
Third, while safety is a concern for all women, it’s important to remember for those of us that identify as white, cis, and straight that safety is a much bigger concern for our BIPOC and LGBTQ+ sisters and friends. (Shout out to Stefanie Flipping and Carolyn Su from the Making Strides podcast for highlighting this topic and making me more aware of this issue.)
Finally, the obvious: the hierarchy of being better than and more deserving to be heard based on race performance is another lie/ subconscious belief that is asking to be healed.
I’m not into shame or blame. Blame keeps us in victim mentality and out of our power. It also leads to shame. I know what shame feels like, and I’m guessing you do too. It’s awful. It’s deadly.
I AM into calling people up.
(If I were talking to men, I would say I’m also into empathy, which sometimes can initiate a feeling of pain when realizing how others have been hurt. Pain, in itself, can be motivation for change. But really, pain can be the flip side of love, and love is inspiration. We change because of how much we love…how much we love our mothers, sisters, and daughters.)
Plus, research shows that blame/shame either 1) shuts people down or 2) makes people defensive and motivates them to hold onto their beliefs more, even if they know they’re wrong!
If you’re angry, that’s great. You should be mad that little you was told she/they wasn’t enough and to stay quiet. But you have to let that anger move. Holding onto it isn’t good for you and can negatively affect your health. It’s a fight response that comes with the release of adrenaline and cortisol that is only meant as a short term response to a threat. When you let anger flow, it transforms into passion. It’s love with a little fire. That balance is your strength and the fuel we want to be taking action from.
When talking about sexism to men* and organizations that display unhealthy masculinity in the sport of trail and ultra running, it is important to remember that they were little boys who were unconsciously programmed how to be men. Maybe unhealthy displays of masculinity were the only way they got attention or approval from their fathers. Maybe their brains just work so they don’t question things (probably because they never had to). They think “Well of course men deserve more attention in sport. Men are the ones who bring in all the money”, not realizing that this is only true because so much more money has been spent on advertising for men’s sports and men continuously get the better TV time slots. Honestly, a lot of it is ignorance and the lack of empathy, or the inability to see through the lens of another who grew up differently than they did. (And as a heterosexual, white woman, who’s also in my mid thirties- so stereotypically old enough to know a thing or two but not old enough to be stubborn and senile (ageism)- I have a lot of privilege too, and it’s my responsibility to listen to other marginalized groups.)
*I say men here, but I could say women and perhaps other genders too. Some women will side with a group that is displaying unhealthy masculinity because of the praise and attention from the men, which feels like power. Unfortunately, that’s still not true power.
Now to the main points.
Have an intention before you speak up (or write). It might be to be a light, to give other women and people the courage to speak up too. It might be to educate and inform, or simply bring attention to an issue. It’s usually better to leave “changing someone’s mind” as a secondary outcome, both because that is out of our control and because the energy behind that comes from that unhealthy, or fake, power.
Conversations and emails are usually better than going to social media, but social media has a place too as it can bring more attention to an issue that needs to be addressed. The best way to have a conversation is from that regulated nervous system. Because you’ve already worked with your wounds, you can trust what you say and write because it’s coming from a place of True Self.
If you’ve truly got the space to go deep with someone, the best therapeutic technique you can use is to listen and reflect what the other person says, without judgement. This helps the other person feel seen (what we all really want) and they too can relax, knowing you’re not threatening them. Usually that opens them up to listening to your viewpoint as well. (Yes, you can use this in your personal relationships as well!) If you really want to get good at this, I highly recommend looking up “nonviolent communication” or even studying the tactics of former FBI negotiator, Chris Voss.
In short, if I’m talking to someone about the sexism in our sport, I am choosing to see the best in them, even if that person doesn’t agree with me. I’m keeping my nervous system regulated, and I am choosing to call them up simply by harnessing an energy that tells them, “I believe in you. You can do better.” I might never get them to see the world of running through the lens of a female or non-binary person, but I am most likely to create change when I am standing in my own power. Plus, it’s when we create a non-judgmental space, that we actually leave room for a person to change their mind.
A final note of importance here: You’re probably going to make some mistakes on your journey to becoming unshakable and learning how to speak up. That is okay! Own up to any mistakes and if there are any residual feelings of shame or guilt, you can use the above process to help heal so you have the courage to keep moving forward. Remember, mistakes and failures met with love are how we learn to attune with our Higher Self and the path to real growth and evolution.
Remember, boundaries are for you and for you to enforce for yourself. They’re about self-love.
If you’re using social media and responding to someone online, have a cut off. Personally, I know if I’m responding to comments in the evening, I’m probably going to have a hard time falling asleep. Second, have a comment limit. Especially if you know the person is staying in their defense, harassing you in any way, or just isn’t going to open up. When I do reply to these types of people, it’s not for them. It’s for the people, especially the men, who I know are passively reading my comments and actually considering what I say.
Your energy matters above all else! I used to work with a Reiki and mindfulness coach who would tell me, “Don’t give your power away.” He meant both to my (fear-based) thoughts and to others who we’re in some way trying to take my energy away from me. Dr. Sue Morter gives her followers a practice called “subject-object-subject”. Simplified, practice what it feels like to draw all your energy into your own being and light. Then, see what it feels like to put all your attention on another person, or even an object. Finally, draw it all back in, once again focusing on your own light. Stay in your light. Protect your inner child. You need the light to shine. (This was my main practice when “The Chase”*, another running film featuring 5 white males.)
Sisters…
Power is not found in the need to prove your strength by running a race.
It is not even found in believing you are enough.
It is in KNOWING your TRUTH.
You have always been enough. You have always been inherently worthy. Because You Are. Because I Am.
We not only deserve to take up space and half the race registrant list, half the sponsorship deals, and half the media attention. We’ve already know inside ourselves that is where we stand. We’ve already claimed our place. We’re just helping the rest of the world to catch up.
Speak. Your voice matters. You are power.
*Updates: I originally wrote the first draft of this article in early April. After The Chase was released, I wrote to the film producers requesting more diversity in their films. I received a professional email back, updating me on some of their future plans. I also wrote a similar email to one of the companies behind Unbreakable II. As of this writing, I have not received an acknowledgment or reply back. However, by the end of May, the making of the film was officially cancelled, possibly due to injury of some of the runners. It’s always hard to have dreams slip away, and I of course wish the runners all the best, as well as the film directors and producers. And, there may be reason to get excited about more female-based and diverse running films in the works. For now, please check out the Women’s Film Directory at https://trailsisters.net/films/.
You can find out more about Ray https://www.instagram.com/adogandhergirl19/ or check out more of her writing at https://substack.com/@thewanderlustpath.
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