I Have Panic Attacks When I Run

I had my first panic attack in my early 20’s. It came on as sleep paralysis. If that sounds terrifying, I can confirm that it is. I would wake up, eyes open, fully aware of my surroundings, but couldn’t move a muscle in my body. I’d lay there paralyzed for several minutes. Suddenly, I would feel a change in my body, like it had been trapped under heavy weights and the weights were finally lifted. I could move again as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. It took me a while to understand this sleep paralysis as a form of panic. I’m pretty sure it was tied to a highly stressful event I was going through at the time. Fortunately, the sleep paralysis ceased over time until it didn’t happen anymore.

That all changed one afternoon when my partner and I went for a run together. As we were making our way through town I began to feel a hollowness in my chest. My breathing quickened. I was confused at first, wondering why I was breathing so heavily when I didn’t even feel tired. This was an easy run. But as the tingles surged up and down my arm, my mind began to grow fuzzy. It got harder to breathe. I realized I must be having a panic attack. I don’t like to show pain or discomfort to anyone, so I didn’t say anything to my partner. I just kept running. Inside I was panicking more and more – I felt like I was going to collapse and my body would break apart before dissipating in the air. When we made it back to the house I immediately slumped to the floor between my partner’s bed and the window. Tears ran down my face as I focused on my breath. Within minutes I was back to normal, though I was confused about what had happened. I couldn’t figure out what had triggered the panic attack or where it came from, even as I reflected back. It didn’t seem to be tied to anything that I could identify. After my partner and I parted ways, I left the country to travel around the world for a while. During that time I had no panic attacks and I forgot all about them. Phew!

Fast forward to a cool and sunny day up in the pines of Prescott, Arizona. I had been back in the States for four months and had raced several ultramarathons in Arizona since my return. A friend of mine was running a 10k at Watson Lake. The previous night I visited the events page to sign up as a volunteer, as I wanted to be at the race to support her. I took a peek at the maps for the other distances just out of curiosity. A typical runner thing to do, I know! I noticed the 33k had some net descent. I (mistakenly!) assumed that with the net descent the course would be a nice easy long run following the 40k I had raced a few days prior. 

The course was beautiful and despite the net descent, it was deceptively challenging! About seven or eight miles into the race I felt it slowly creep up on me. My chest started to feel hollow and my breathing quickened. It’s a very different feeling than cardio breathing. It’s shallow and constricted. My body was shuddering from my stomach up to my chest and down my arms. My mind felt a little foggy, like it was entering a scary dream. I knew what was happening. It was a panic attack again. Was I nervous about the race? Or about how my body hadn’t fully recovered from the last race? Was I panicking because the gentleman behind me refused to pass me and seemed to be using me as his pacer? I really wasn’t sure and the more I tried to figure it out the worse the panic got. It lasted for about 8-10 miles (though my calculations could be off as I don’t wear a watch or any tracking when I race). Eventually I was able to bring myself back to homeostasis by focusing on my breath and repeating to myself affirmations like, “you’re okay, you got this.” 

It happened again two days later on the Monday night group run I attend every week. It’s so subtle at first, but rapidly increases until I can feel it surging throughout my body. Not wanting to draw any attention to myself, I tried my best to focus on my breathing like I always do. My right hand started to cramp up as it often does when I experience a panic attack. Sometimes stiffening up so much that I can’t move it at all. As I practiced focused breath I wrung my hand over and over to keep it from going stiff. In an attempt to ‘outrun’ it, I sped up the mountain and tried to gain some distance between myself and my friends in the group. But it became too much and I abruptly came to a stop, slowly lowering to my knees on the side of the trail. One of my friends stopped and sat down next to me, putting his arm around me and giving me the space and the grace to just sit there and make my way through it.

This has happened to me several times during ultras and during group runs, though I still can’t seem to pinpoint a trigger. It doesn’t happen when I run alone, so I have wondered if it is associated with social anxiety. Growing up I did not have a single friend and I developed an intense fear of social situations, so severe that I would even avoid grocery shopping. Fortunately, I learned how to cope with this fear and people who meet me today would never guess I used to own this debilitating fear. Today I actually avoid being alone. I take every opportunity I can to talk to people and intentionally put myself in social situations where I can spend time with friends and even make new friends. But the anxiety is still there. I thrive in meaningful friendships but I’m also still afraid of people in many ways. I’ve just learned how to cope with the latter and value connection with other humans, so much so that I seek it out.

Over the last year anytime I’ve had a panic attack it has been when I was running with other people. It doesn’t happen in other social situations. This also makes me wonder whether the intense release of energy that happens during a run has something to do with it. I really don’t know and I hope that eventually I can pinpoint an origin. Something I do know is that while running with people may be a contributor, it’s also what heals me.

I can think of another instance when I started to panic at a group run. Again, the rapid breathing, the hollow chest, and the stiffening arm. I was focusing intently on my breath, trying to make sure no one around me would figure out what was happening. As we were moving along the mountain one of my dearest friends from the group ran up next to me and asked me about my weekend. Before I even realized it, my body and mind were back to a state of equilibrium. I felt safe.

A similar feeling of safety enveloped me when that same friend showed up to hear me share my poem at an open mic event. I’ve been writing poetry for years, since I was a child, but have only recently begun to share my poetry with others. I’m very new to open mics and normally I am so nervous that I can hear my own voice shaking. I’m not going to say I wasn’t nervous that night, but at the same time I also felt calm and safe. After I shared my poem my friend commented on how comfortable I appeared in front of the mic. I was a little surprised, but I also knew immediately that his support and his presence was to credit.

It’s also interesting to me that while I’m only having panic attacks when I’m running, running is and has been for most of my life an important part of who I am. It has been a crucial coping mechanism for me. It has been stability and fun. It’s a release, it’s meditation, it’s enjoyment. 

Perhaps there is something happening that is overwhelming my system and it goes into panic mode. Perhaps my fear of being hurt sometimes overshadows my faith in my relationships. But it’s also true that running is my happiness. Maybe there’s something calming about a voice that is intentionally calm, or maybe it’s a distraction, or maybe it’s knowing that I don’t have to fear. Through ultra-racing and running with groups, what just seems to be inherent in the running community, I’ve received a depth of acceptance, support, and kindness unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. And that is truly healing.

If you also deal with panic attacks, here are some things I do to help stabilize myself and return to equilibrium – maybe you’ll find some of these helpful for you:

• Focus on breathing: breathe in through the nose for a count of four, and out through the mouth for a count of four
• Listen to someone talk: it’s rarely ever failed me, if someone is talking to me it helps distract me and calm me down
• Drink water: isn’t that the cure all – stay hydrated!
• Take a rest: if you need to stop what you’re doing and take a moment, do it – this is hard for me when I’m running but sometimes it’s necessary, especially to avoid falling and getting injured
• Affirmations: it really does help to repeat positive statements to myself like, “you’re okay, it’ll pass; you got this.”
• Distraction: it can be really difficult to try and distract yourself when you’re in the middle of a panic, but it’s worth a try and does work for some people – during a race my favorite distraction is thinking about the grilled cheese sandwich at the end!

I have panic attacks when I’m running

going up,

they call me the mountain goat

skipping up boulders

going down

arms outstretched

because it feels like flying

these trails

it’s something magic

why, then

does the blindness shudder

throughout my body

so suddenly?

heaviness in my chest

foggy brain

fear

though I do not understand its origin

tears

though they own no direction

i’ve learned to manage

just keep running

and keep breathing

it passes

my heart’s on trail again