My Journey to Recovery

Editor’s Note: This article speaks about alcoholism and may be triggering for some folks.

At the end of every day, I would take my favorite drink, tequila straight up in a large shotglass. There was no need to put anything else with it. I would pull it out of the freezer with ice crystals still glistening on the sides of the bottle as soon as I got home. I would think about this drink all day. I gently poured the booze in a shot glass as I tried to savor this moment but without hesitation, tossed it in my mouth. I couldn’t wait for this.

The alcohol touched my lips like an old friend greeting me with a loving embrace. It was a powerful aroma that led me straight to happiness. I knew that this would provide me with a level of bliss that I had been seeking all day. I couldn’t resist the overwhelming rush as it flowed through my body. I took to my favorite drink, tequila straight up. There was no need to put anything else with it. I wanted the liquor to go straight through my body as soon as possible.

I let the alcohol take over my body. I allowed it to consume me. My thoughts and will power no longer under my control. I was lost in oblivion and in meaningless darkness. Reality was purposely obfuscated to my satisfaction, and I was addicted to it. Life was too much responsibility, one thing after another. There was pressure, stress and too many issues to deal with. In a drunken state, I could forget all of that and drift away from everything. I could see no end to this habit.

Was this really me? My face was puffy, my eyes were darkened, and I looked lifeless. This was difficult for me to process. I stared at myself in the mirror for what felt like an eternity. I was in disbelief about how I looked and could not accept that this was my reflection.

I no longer saw beauty in this face, only an empty, dark shell once filled with joy. I stared at my reflection further, unable to grasp this reality. Fighting back tears of shock and anger, I couldn’t believe I had got to this point. Who was this person? How did I get here? What have I done to myself? This wasn’t what I thought was me. I was fat, unhealthy and out of shape.

I knew that I couldn’t change overnight but, I wanted to think that it was possible. I had to start somewhere, and just keep going,  I just didn’t know where. Byron was staying at his father’s house with the kids. He grabbed what he could carry and took them away. I couldn’t do anything about it. He was afraid that I would just get drunk again and not take care of them anyway, if he left without them. I hadn’t seen them in a few days. It was the worst few days of my life. I lost  the people that were the most important to me in my life and I didn’t know how to get them back.

A few days after he left, I started to think about how I can fix all of this. How can I do better? What is it that can put me on a better path? I looked for ways to get better. I went to an AA meeting, met with a doctor and decided to start a training program. I explained theses changes to my husband and continued to take steps toward recovery. It wasn’t easy and I felt hopeless at times.

My husband decided to give our marriage another try and came back after about a week. This was on a trial basis with couples counseling. I would have to make changes and show that I can keep my word on things. I was determined and I wanted the change. I was tired of the way things were and I had a new focus. I could feel the pull of this race bringing me a new life and new meaning. I wanted to see what I could do and find the self-belief I knew I had.

My husband started training with me. We would take the kids to the park nearby and run/walk the perimeter of the park while the kids played on the playground. It was a good quarter mile loop that was paved with sidewalks. We could keep an eye on the kids and get our training done. It was a win-win scenario. The kids loved playing outside.”

I found a “Couch to 5K” running program in the “spark people” website that the book referenced. It was a 6-week training plan for beginners who are looking to complete their first 5K. It included running and walking in intervals, three times a week, for 25-30 minutes each time. The first workout was 4 minutes of walking with 1 minute of running repeated 5 times. I felt like this was doable. I could walk for 4 minutes and try to run for 1 minute. This was an easy start and one that I felt like I could achieve.

It was a coincidence that a 5K that I wanted to do was 6 weeks away on August 13, 2011. I could start the plan right away and be ready in time for the race. I would only need to train 3 times a week for 25-30 minutes each time. This was exciting and made me feel hopeful about the future. I signed up for the race and printed the training plan. Now, it was time to get started.

I had a hard time with the running intervals. It would take so much out of me to run them. I was breathing heavily, sweating profusely and I felt my loose fat jiggling while I ran. My husband would run around me in circles to keep his heart rate up while I got through the interval. I watched the clock and counted the seconds. It was hard for me to run, even for a short duration. My body was relieved when the interval ended, and I spent the next few minutes walking to recover. Pushing through each running segment made me feel stronger and more alive. I felt proud of myself after completing each set and I loved this feeling.

Race day finally came, it was Saturday August 20, 2011. I was anxious about what to wear, what to eat, how to prepare or what I was really getting myself into. I did what I could anyway. I was so nervous and scared about how I was going to do. I wanted to finish but I wasn’t sure if I could.

I immediately started sprinting and just started to run as fast as I could. I couldn’t help it. I was so excited and felt a burst of energy as soon as they said to go. Looking to my side for Byron, I realized I almost lost him in the crowd. There were people everywhere, maybe around 200-300 of them. Little Kids flying past me as well as older women and men. They made it look so easy to run fast. Eventually I started to feel like I wasn’t going to be able to hold this pace. This was about a quarter mile in. I was supposed to start the race with walking, like I did with the training, but decided to gun it.

The sun was shining overhead and there were a few clouds in the sky. It warmed up fast and it turned out to be a hot day. I was sweating a lot; my face was red and salty. I could finally see the finish line in the parking lot, with cones and tape around it. I could see it and I couldn’t believe it. I crossed the finish line with a big smile on my face and salty tears down my cheeks. I was overwhelmed with joy and happiness. I felt so proud of myself and felt like I accomplished something great! I walked around for a minute and saw my brother and mother waiting for us. We took some pictures and then I sat down on the grass nearby. I couldn’t believe this. I felt great! I felt alive and now, for the first time in years, I felt like I had a passion to drive me and a renewed sense of life. I fell in love with running that day.