Running as a form of meditation

Moving meditation erodes my millennial guilt. It’s a unique blend of guilt that was built by the insidious undertones of pop culture iconography I grew up with. I’m talking about those 90s and 2000s blockbuster films with problematic plot lines. The ones that led millions of girls to believe that they had to look and act a certain way in order to be loved. Then the “side hustle” movement resurfaced and gained momentum in the 2010s, normalizing the very not normal idea that every ounce of your time must be monetized. It goes hand in hand with all the self help books that claim to be the golden ticket to crushing your to-do list and reaching peak productivity. These ideas are rooted in toxic capitalism and I am on a journey of reframing my relationship with time and how I take up space in the world via running.

Though I’ve made significant strides to unlearn these things through moving meditation, the guilt is still there. I catch it in the act all the time. My guilt manifests as the ceaseless voice in my head. The voice that insists on feeling bad about taking naps. The one who wakes me up at 2am to fret over whether I’ve accomplished enough on my to-do list. It’s an inner monologue of an over-achieving daughter who has an addiction to productivity. I know this is not a sustainable way to live. I am learning how to relax. Especially in the context of rest as resistance (go read Tricia Hearsy). And especially with the perspective of radical finitude (go read Oliver Burkeman).

The voice in my head changes its tone when I run. It oozes with enthusiasm over the flowers and the trees. It brews up juicy, creative ideas. (I got the idea to write for Trail Sisters while running). I truly feel the endorphins. The emotional balance gives me capacity to check in with my breathing, with the rhythm of my footfalls. It makes me feel more connected to myself and the world around me. In this way, running is my safe haven from the intense, made-up definitions of success. What does being successful even mean? I think it means being happy. Every person must define it for themselves. And that definition is allowed to change over time. I am happy (successful) when I run because the voice in my head is nicer to me– I am nicer to myself. The voice is me, and I am her.

I’m not doing a great job at conveying that I actually do meditate when I run, though. Isn’t meditating supposed to be when you clear your mind of all thoughts? My mind still has thoughts, but they’re friendlier and more creative. Maybe that means running is actually my muse. Sometimes I take CBD before a run to see if that will get the voice in my head to pipe all the way down. Get me to that “flow” state I’ve heard other runners describe. But all the CBD does is make me feel relaxed after the run.

Maybe that’s the point.

Maybe you’re supposed to feel the meditation in the afterglow. When you peel your Darn Toughs off and feel the quiet strength in the soreness of your muscles. When you look in the mirror and admire your body for the endurance it’s built. I know I love my body a lot after it has done a run. Maybe the after part is what I should pay more attention to. Perhaps we have to sweat and grit our teeth to reap the reward. The only way out is through.

Is it possible to live within a meditative state? To feel the good feels indefinitely? I wonder if that’s what enlightenment is. In today’s world, that feels next to impossible to obtain. But maybe that’s exactly what the people who wreak havoc want. Maybe the chaos mongers want us to be so distracted, so overwhelmed, so exhausted that we are unable to fight. If that’s true, then it makes rest, meditation, and taking care of yourself even more important.

All these words are building up to some sort of metaphor to answer the question: how do we continue to live our lives amidst the calamity of the world? I think we have to show up differently each day, because we are soft and squishy humans who are constantly figuring it out as we go. It’s okay to not be okay. The real challenge is continuing to show up for yourself, for your loved ones, for your community. It is hard to be soft in a world that is tough. But having a soft heart in a tough world is the greatest gift of all. If you’ve got it, use it! And don’t be ashamed of it! Let it see the light of day! Be unapologetically soft!

If any of the must-always-be-hustling urges resonate with you, I hope you give yourself permission to relax. I hope you find a healthy activity (running or otherwise) that shifts your perspective. I hope you give yourself a break from the crushing pressure to be successful, whatever that even means. Your existence on this Earth is simply enough. Whatever you decide to create and nurture during your blip on the space-time continuum, let it be what makes you happy.