Is Your Brain Being a Snarky Critic?

Occasionally, when someone finds out I’m a Life and Mindset Coach, I hear something like, “Oh, so you have LIFE all figured out?” The tone suggesting that I believe I’ve somehow mastered life and know how to do it “right”.

But let me ask you this, Dear Reader… if I truly had “life figured out” (as if that is a thing), would I drive half an hour to meet a friend for a 10-mile run only to realize I brought sneakers without any insoles? I think not! And yet… that’s exactly what happened to me recently. 

Does that disqualify me from being a life coach? Absolutely not.

It simply means I’m human. I’d imagine you can relate to being human too.

That day, while staring into my trunk trying to will a spare pair of shoes into existence, my brain served up an old, familiar story: “Ugh, you’re such a mess. Of course you forgot the insoles.” (As if this is a common occurrence – to leave pieces of my shoes at home.) 

But here’s the thing… I don’t have to believe that old story, and neither do you! 

You see, being a coach or working on your own personal growth doesn’t mean striving to live life perfectly. It doesn’t mean that we won’t occasionally forget to put our shoes back together after a rainy run. It also doesn’t guarantee we’ll only have kind and beautiful thoughts about ourselves.

But, in my opinion, working on our mindset does something better.

Mindset work allows us to notice when our brain is offering us unhelpful snarky comments. Offering up stories as facts. I’m actually not a mess! I bet you aren’t either! We may sometimes be forgetful or late or disorganized, but those are individual circumstances. We are not a mess! We simply sometimes have messy moments.

Working on our mindsets allows us to experience all the moments life has to offer with more ease. Not just the moments that feel like perfection, but also the messy moments when we’re running late to pick up the kids, when we’ve dropped the freshly baked cookies in the driveway, or have forgotten our insoles at home.

Things happen. Life will be messy. You will not be perfect.

If you are like me and most of the women I know, your initial reaction is probably to be pretty unnecessarily hard on yourself. That’s OK. It’s just an initial reaction. You get to control what happens next. You get to control how long you stay in that head space…

One simple and effective way to control how long you stay stressed in those messy moments is to play with perspective. To show your brain different options than its initial offering.

If trying on different perspectives sounds like trying to bottle up fairy dust, stick with me, we’re going to make this tangible. Here is a snapshot of 5  perspectives available to us (based on my interpretation of the copyrighted work of Bruce D Schneider and the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC)).

Perspective 1 (Powerlessness): When operating from this perspective, people feel as though they’re stuck. At Level 1 they feel trapped by certain circumstances or believe that they are not in control of what happens around them. They often think they are the problem. (“I can’t believe I didn’t notice there were no insoles. I’m such an idiot!”)

Perspective 2 (Problem-Focused): When experiencing life from a Level 2 perspective we’re seeing the world as full of conflict. Things and people are viewed as black or white, right or wrong, good or bad. Problems are top of mind. (“If the lighting wasn’t so poor in my basement, this never would have happened!”)

Perspective 3 (Responsibility): When you operate from this perspective, the focus is on your own agenda. On getting things done. You’re incredible at rationalization and can sweep annoyances under the rug in order to get to an end result. (“Well, I wish I had paid better attention when I left the house. It is what it is. I’m doing it without the insoles. We’ll get to run and I’ll at least have a story to tell later!”)

Perspective 4 (Care for Others): When seeing life through a Level 4 lens, you have a great deal of compassion for others; you are inspired and inspire those around you to serve others. You encourage collaboration and teamwork. (“I’ll be fine without my run, but I have to make sure I don’t ruin my running partner’s run!”)

Perspective 5 (Opportunity): When experiencing a Level 5 perspective, you begin to see everything as an opportunity, meaning you do not simply “make lemonade out of lemons,” but you are genuinely OK when things do not go as planned because you’re engrossed in the adventure. (“I wonder if I even need the insoles. Let’s find out!”)

On my soleless Saturday, I had options. My brain’s initial default mode was a Level 1 perspective: beat myself up, ruminate on my mistake, and give up on the run or go home and run alone on pavement. (Ugh pavement!) 

I took a beat, played out Levels 2-5 in my mind, and landed on Level 3. This perspective helps us tolerate and massage situations in order to get things done. I ran 8 (admittedly uncomfortable) miles and chose to believe, “I’m a badass who doesn’t let two tiny pieces of foam define me.”

I realize you will likely never find yourself without soles to your shoes in the woods. But you will have your own moments when life doesn’t go as planned and in every moment you get to decide how to look at the situation you’re in. You get to decide how you view yourself.

What happens in your messy moments?

Do they cause you to spiral and beat yourself up? That’s OK! You’re human, remember. So the next time your brain gets snarky and fixates on unhelpful insults or reminders of what you *could* have done, try this out: 

• Notice which Level you are in and ask yourself: Is this perspective helping me or not? 
• Take a beat and consider each of the other 4 perspectives and consider: What would be different if I were seeing this situation through that lens?  
• Decide: Where do I want to put my energy right now? Which perspective is most useful? Remember: There is no right answer! Each Level serves a purpose. You get to decide which is right for you, right now, at this moment.

Learning to be flexible with your perspectives is a skill you develop, like navigating single track on the downhill. It’s a muscle to build. Be patient with yourself. Start by noticing that your brain is offering you a story, “You’re a mess” and call out the boloney. You’re not a mess. You’re in a messy moment, and now you have a plan to get through it with a bit more kindness to yourself. 

Happy trails!