“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny compared to what lies within us.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
This summer I realized I was no longer running away from home. It was an odd sensation to recognize that I was running for me, running because I could, and running for the joy of running. Since 2015 I have been training for and running ultrarunning races. Prior to that, I ran local road races that fit into a busy life. An ultramarathon race is anything beyond the 50K race (approximately 31 miles), in comparison a marathon is 26.2 miles in distance. The first ultra I registered for was the 2016 Frozen Gnome 50K in January, in the Chicago area. I don’t recall if I had run a marathon at that point of my running but I really wanted to race a 50K.
In the eight years since I first started training for ultras, my life has also shifted. My daughter graduated from high school and went off to college. She was an only child so we had a small but mighty family unit known as the tripod with matching family tattoos. I made another career pivot moving from academic law libraries to academic technology at the local university’s IT organization. I then pivoted again following COVID, leaving the university where I had been for 18 years to explore a new career in leadership development and coaching with a small firm. There was also a shift in my marriage from two people moving along a similar path, to separate individuals walking in divergent lines toward different dreams.
Once I ran that first 50K race, I had to try more and go longer distances! I was rudely reminded by my former spouse of my initial thoughts on running a 100-mile race when I signed up for my first one, the Kansas Rails-to-Trails Extravaganza. This was an indicator that while I was continuing to grow and challenge myself as an athlete and a person, he was not interested in trying new things or setting goals. Each December I plan my next calendar year around races, some big ones like the 100-mile race or the 100K (62 miles) race that require dedicated training time, pro-active calendar management, and travel plans. Other ultras races like a 50 mile or 50K race need a plan but require less hours of running each week. I come from a family who likes to plan and enjoys the process of preparing for an event so creating my training plans is fun. Looking back, I see it was easy to get caught up on the training cycle as I enjoyed it but it also was the appropriate way to “run away from home” as an adult. Long story short, my marriage was not good and running was an escape. The more races I registered for, the more invested I was in my training, improving my endurance, tweaking my nutrition and fueling needs, and managing the things I could control – the miles, my fueling, the time needed to recover, and my mindset around training.
Like training for a race, life also has its build and recovery cycles. As I reflect on the past few years, I see a similar pattern. I would go into endurance mode with my race training, a three week build of miles followed by a recovery week. I love creating a six-month training plan for ultras, this is enough time for me to be invested in the training to have a great race and stay in balance with my life responsibilities. My home life had a similar trajectory with relationship stress building then a small wane and finally the realization that it was not sustainable. We know that constant stress on the body whether physical, emotional, or mental is not healthy. While the ultrarunning training plans incorporated blocks to build along with short recovery blocks, I needed more than that in my life.
After 25 years of marriage, I was suddenly no longer married. In some ways it ended like that ultra you trained for but didn’t really enjoy. While it sounded like a fun race, the conditions were more challenging than expected, the terrain tough to navigate, and your crew was distracted by their own needs. I am proud I did it, would encourage others to try it but that marriage ultra is a one-and-done for me. When I sat down in December of 2022, I had a feeling that training for an ultra was not a good plan for the next year. I did not have peace about committing to a particular race and forcing a training plan and ultra race did not seem a wise investment to myself. At the end of this year, I will sit down once again to determine what ultra I want to train for. I hope there’s one that captures my attention but I know I’ll be running for me, training because I want to and looking to challenge myself in a new way.
“Happiness is a direction, not a place.” Sydney Harris
2 Responses
Thank you for your honesty! I have great respect for your insight and strength to not sign up for a race when you recognized doing so would be unwise. I think it is an important thing for all of us to remember: why we are running, training, racing. What’s the intention behind the activity? <3
Thank you Hannah for your outspoken article about how women and society view their bodies. I grew up in the 1970s and loved athletics, especially running, but was also “blessed” with a curvy body—an even bigger problem as this was before sports bras were readily available. I was criticized by society and by some family members, and spiraled into bulimia for a number of years. It was only when I saw my niece headed in the same direction that I was able to finally address the issue and deal with it. During that time I also became a firefighter and that curvy and muscular body actually served me well. So to those who would be disparaging about those of us who don’t fit the “normal “ body type, I say—I am happy and healthier with my body than many!!